Great Expectations

When I was little, I had decided, that I was either going to die young and have a fabulous funeral where everyone would be wearing a glorious pre-planned color scheme, or, that I was going to be rich and have people to do the things that I didn't want to do. 

So, I'm not dead, and I'm not rich, but am I happy?  With age has come a new standard of expectations.  The problem is that said expectation is a sure way to set myself up for a let down when something doesn't measure up.  This is a generic problem and applies to just about any number of things in my life or even myself.  I've tried lowering my expectations etc.  Really though, lowering them just makes me bitter and think "well what the fuck is the point then!?". 

The problem is the expectation itself. 

I still don't have an answer, for how to live, without some sort of expectation.  I expect a certain kind of behavior from my children, spouse, family and close friends that I know well enough to predict.  When one of these categories is thrown off because someone is acting out of character, it means that, to me, an expectation hasn't been lived up to.  I do this to myself as well.  My weight gain, especially since having Mason, isn't something I really even want to face, but I've let myself down and I'm trying to figure out why I'm surprised about it. 

Obviously I had higher hopes and expectations of myself?  It could also be that I know I am more capable than I am currently allowing myself to be.  So is it that I don't need to change, but rather just let myself be more true to myself?  That's my current answer, I'm still hiding somewhere and wallowing inside about something and the only reason I have to be disappointed in myself, is simply that it's not who I really am.